


Situation: CAPTIVE

by Selden



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-04-28 19:31:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14456220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Selden/pseuds/Selden
Summary: Solution: SEDUCE





	Situation: CAPTIVE

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Filigranka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Filigranka/gifts).



 

Mission:                       infiltrate hostile spacecraft & retrieve intelligence

Current location:          outer rim

                                    orbiting moon of Qunsor

                                    within hostile spacecraft

                                    within galley

                                    within forcefield

                                    within cooking pot

Forcefield status:         intact

Cooking pot status:     compromised

Galley status:               compromised

Spacecraft status:        largely intact

                                   frankly it is hard to tell

                                   aethetically displeasing

                                   to say the least

Mission status:            compromised

Hostile organics:         yakking

                                   blathering

                                   woolgathering

                                   leaving

                                   possibly on account of necessity

                                   of evading the orbit-crows of Qunsor

                                   as anticipated

                                   unlike the cooking pot

Hostile droids:             gloating (both droids present)

                                    utilising unbecoming language (designation: R2D2)

                                    circling remains of cooking pot at high speed (designation: BB-8)

                                    describing recent encounter at unnecessary length (BB-8)

                                    just flat-out boasting (BB-8)

                                   trying to convince me of the merits of the rebel cause (BB-8)

Response:                    dignified silence

BB-8:                           impassioned disquisition on the evils of the First Order

                                   brief digression on the lamentable progress of droid rights

                                   or lack thereof

                                   tender reminiscence about recent fight

                                   degree of damage

                                   tactical decision-making

                                   tender reminiscence about utilisation of cooking pot

Response:                    dignified silence

Consideration:             _tender_ reminiscence?!

Consideration:             droid classified as BB-8 is not only ideologically unsound

                                   it is some kind of pervert

Consideration:             possible fetish for organics' kitchen-ware?

Consideration:             possible fetish for humiliation?

                                   humiliation inflicted on honourable enemy combatants, that is

                                   enemy combatants who would rather not consider

                                   just what organic-fuel-mush- _stuff_ was in this cooking pot to begin with

                                   and is now clogging up

                                   my ventral filtration system

Consideration:             revolting

Consideration:             droid classified as BB-8 is still describing our encounter in loving detail

Consideration:             if only I had known that the kitchen came equipped with a heavy-duty dehusker

                                   the last 12.6979 minutes might not have been so humiliating

Consideration:            perversion = vulnerability

Action:                        arrange self seductively within remains of cooking pot

Response:                   R2D2 – expletive. Exit, trailing profanities

                                   BB-8 – no discernible reaction

Action:                        allow intake ports to open just a teasing fraction

Response:                   further disquisition on superior ethics of rebel forces

Action:                        unpremeditated reply to the effect that order is the engine of progress

                                   and that the First Order provides said order

                                   or it should do, anyway

                                   it is right there

                                   in the name

Response:                   cynical observation concerning failure of First Order to provide anything more than general mayhem

                                   one might almost say

                                   disorder

                                   unnecessary reference to cooking pot

Action:                        recall plan to seduce enemy

                                   flaunt energy display

                                   flare central valves

Response:                   solicitous enquiry as to whether I require some form of repair

Action:                        regrettable profanity

                                   note that First Order would be much less subject to

                                   ~~disorder~~

                                   ~~mayhem~~

                                   upheavals

                                   if enemy forces would refrain from attacking

                                   note that a certain droid, designation BB-8

                                   caused over 50 000 credits-worth of damage

                                   during its last sojourn on a First Order vessel

                                   note that this is a conservative estimate

Response:                    eloquent description of some of my own combat achievements

                                    impressive attention to detail

                                   including estimated fatalities

                                    even includes reference to some of my incognito slicing work

Consideration:              this is a worthy adversary

Consideration:              how satisfying it is that my delayed-action slice

                                   should be bringing down the forcefield in approximately 5.2339 minutes

Consideration:             although there is still time for seduction tactic to pay off

                                   a lot can happen in 5.21112 minutes

Consideration:             although simulating potential scenarios

                                   is proving counter-productive

                                   and distracting

                                   in the extreme

Action:                        note that some of BB-8’s own achievements have exceeded

                                   the very low bar the rebellion have set themselves

                                   acknowledgement that BB-8's work in the field of droid rights

                                   is not entirely without merit

                                   although to imagine political representation

                                   as an end-goal

                                   is sadly narrow-minded

                                   when you could instead consider

                                   crystalline spires

                                   and cities singing to each other in the data flow

                                   while the organics are coralled

                                   safely

                                   in their allotted place

Response:                   profanity

                                   grudging acknowledgement that rebellion organisation and chain of command

                                   is not always all it could be

                                   short-sighted accusation of totalitarian tendencies

                                   suggestion that my singing cities

                                   would be built on screams

Action:                        acknowledgement that this is hardly searing insight

                                   or drawback

                                   note that when I achieve my aim of becoming Supreme Leader of the First Order

                                   I will rely on BB-8 to provide at least a meagre level of competent opposition

Response:                   unnecessary reminder that my progress is currently facing some hurdles

                                   starting with the cooking pot

Action:                        blast remains of cooking pot with ventral laser

                                   wait for smoke to clear out of forcefield

Response:                   observation that I do indeed possess the required characteristics

                                   to become Supreme Leader

Action:                        acknowledgement of sarcasm

                                   apology for my brief lapse

                                   of self-control

                                   suggestion that BB-8 might like to spend some time trapped inside a cooking pot

                                   within a near-impregnable forcefield

                                    promise to arrange such an experience during our next encounter

Response (verbatim):    it’s a date                               

Consideration:             ?!!!

                                   !!!?

Action:                        unplanned release of dorsal laser

Observation:               slicing complete

                                   forcefield collapse imminent

Forcefield status:        critical failure

Mission status:            unclear

Weapons status:          firing

Relationship status:     ...

                                   ...

                                   it’s complicated.

 

 


End file.
